Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize