And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
