1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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