one might say we're banned from that church
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
FUCK WHALES
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