Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
this hospital has no fireball
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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