i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
