did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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