Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
where am i from again
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
