I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize