HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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