The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
