So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
