U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
