Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
