Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
