If that was your dad, he is hot
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
