hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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