I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
