I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
