Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
