you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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