I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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