I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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