So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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