he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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