my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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