Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
