I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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