Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
