I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
