I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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