Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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