I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
