The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
