My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
