I didn't shave. On purpose
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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