I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
