In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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