Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
