im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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