Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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