ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
