i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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