Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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