They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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