I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
