This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
