I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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