My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
