my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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