just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
