Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
