Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
