Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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