I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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