I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
