yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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