I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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