My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
