as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
