I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
